Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Second coming

I like to draw comics (the image quality loses so much though :'(  )

Hello to you, on the other side of the screen, and welcome here,

This is my fifth attempt at having a blog, "Wait what? Why would you do that?", you may ask yourself. Well, I am just one of those people who have that trait called "perfectionism" so I've spent a lot of time waiting for the perfect thing, timing, instant, illumination... you name it, to strike. As you can see from my last post (2012), there was no such moment. The difference between now and then is that I realized that there's no need for that.

Allow me to introduce myself. I got to the age of 20 this past April. I've had a "blogger account" since 2010, so I was 15. Since then I created some blogs writing about my passions, music being the first one. All of them are deleted therefore gone. I also made sure this place was private so no one would see a thing. I could not keep them up. 
One reason is that I wanted to write about other things too, but I thought that it would be inappropriate to write about, for example, poetry, fashion, art, mythology or folktales, books, or just something I saw on my way back home from school in a music themed space. 
Secondly, I  also panicked at the thought of someone I knew from my surroundings would find my blog and get to know some part of my mind. 
I also couldn't decide which layout looked the best so I gave up because I thought my blog would be an ugly duckling among greatness (I am ashamed to admit that x) )
Long story short, what I was afraid of was judgment
But then again those might just have been excuses.

I was young (still am haha) and I couldn't see a lot of things I do now, but to this day I've also lost a lot of my innocence. I've lost the unique perspective of the world I had back then, when everything looks strange and amazing in a weird way. It was kind of cringe-worthy (you know what I mean, seeing yourself in the past haha), although I kind of wish I had kept it. But that's OK, because now I feel like I can provide something.

Moving on to now! I dare myself to expose a little part of my ponders here. You may or may not think "Why would you do it if it makes you anxious?", well if I'm doing it now is because I want to overcome that unjustified fear of judgment. Of course exposing yourself is scary, of course your ideas (writing, drawing, dancing, singing, whatever be) won't appeal to everyone, that's a fact, but that shouldn't pull you back. You're bad at singing but have an awesome time doing so? I say go for it (now when it comes to oneself it's another story). And I won't go dive deeper on this topic now because we all know the drill by now.

Last week I read about perfectionism from a YouTuber I like and she said "good enough is good enough", and everything she said really resonated within me. It may sound somehow "poor" to perfectionists the first time you hear it, but just think about it please.
I am now ready to push my mental demons away, and, just, be. 

If I have to wait for the "perfect idea" or the "perfect moment" I might as well never get started.

Since this post should contain some kind of presentation I'll tell you: 

I have a problem and a blessing; I have an "hyperactive" mind. I am always thinking of doing new things, I am no conformist, I need to learn something everyday in one form or another even if I forget it the next day (did you know that "aphantasia" is a neurological condition where the sufferer literally has no imagination? D:), I love everything new and unknown (so teach me please! :D) and I want to see it or experience it for myself. I may not think about it never again if it doesn't catch my interest at the end of the day, but I'll have to try it first. I like such a broad range of things it's insane.

But this has a drawback: I may start something that will never get finished. Or i might not even start it because I think there's something better out there, and from there I get to be the laziest person ever. Forever procrastinating and not getting to anything at the end of the day. Then getting anxious about everything and nothing at the same time, convincing myself I'm doing nothing else but annoy others and believing that I have nothing remotely interesting for the world, convincing myself that everything's already said and done. Does it make sense? I hope you understand x)

With this blog I attempt to bring you my little picture of this world. Just the way I experience it.

Now, I'm still insecure about the content (and the layout) but I'll sort it out while I try.

You'll get to know more about it as this goes on! I hope you'll walk with me :D

 Disclaimer: I am one of those people who get very personal writing, I've always been told that I write like I am having a conversation with a friend, I don't know why. So even though you are on the other side of the screen, to me, it's like you're in the same room as me.


I'll see you in my next post, okay?

Thank you for reading <3

Mata ne!


***While writing this I was listening to: Kikujiro no natsu by Thirteen from the album A Limited Vocabulary***

PS: Thanks to my beloved Petra from for being an encourager.

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